You may be confused as to what exactly a “portmanteau” is and what to do with it.  Rest assured that it’s an extremely safe alternative to wasting time while writing and speaking.  Used properly, portmanteaus will drastically increase your free time.  You’ll no longer have to speak or write two words when one will suffice, thereby doubling your fun time.  Continue reading.
The Merriam-Webster definition of a portmanteau [pawrt-man-toh] is:

“A word… whose form and meaning are derived from a blending of two or more distinct forms.”

Here are some examples:

• Fork + Spoon = Spork
• Smoke + Fog = Smog
• Swish + Squirt = Squish
• Electro + Execution = Electrocution

…and so on.  The Hebrew language is absolutely full of portmanteaus.  The English language also seems to have many, but over the years, I’ve added numerous ones of my own.  Many have been failures, more have been forgotten, and almost all have been both forgotten and failures.
   Do your best to create your own.  For example, some of my personal creations are as follows… are your friends both friends and enemies?  Call them “frienemies.”  Is the drunk man sitting across from you also your uncle?  Call him your “drunkle.”  Does that tattoo that covers your whole upper body look like a shirt?  Call it a “shirtoo.”  Is that piece of fruit you’re eating somehow both an apple and a peach?  I bet it’s a “peaple.” 
   One warning… always think about your portmanteaus before you vocalize them.  About a year ago, I was around some younger family members and almost portmanteauized “fire” and “truck.”  Think about it…  I stopped myself just in time.  Let that be a lesson.

A Monster [Fire] Truck… a Mruck.

    See the check below?  Look who it’s made out to… yours truly.  Me.  How did I receive such an enormous check in the mail?  From Microsoft, no less?  It’s called, “owning two shares of Microsoft,” my friend, and earning dividends.  Owning two shares will undoubtedly skyrocket you to the status of part-owner of the Microsoft Corporation, and consequently bestow upon you the honor, power, connections, and wealth that will afford you the ability to never work again.



   I receive these checks quarterly, and subsequently deposit them into my checking account.  Every time I bring one of these jealousy-inducing checks to a teller, I get a look of genuine shock and awe at the size.  I know the tellers are always thinking: “How’s this 20-something, awesome guy getting a check that could change the average person’s life?”  After the deposit, I smile and am on my merry way,  in my Porsche to the bay where my yacht is docked, as you can see below.

   I know what you are asking: “How can I start earning the big bucks like you!?”  Well, it’s not easy.  You will need about $70 to purchase the two shares of Microsoft and to cover the cost of the trade.  Difficult, yet extremely rewarding.

   You can be a millionaire in no time.  At 26 cents every three months, it will take you only 962,000 years to reach one million dollars!  Get started!

My Porsche.

   As the title states, some animals are hideous.  They are just ugly.  We can only pray that these uglies lack the necessary junk to procreate.  Here are some pictures I stumbled upon of horrifically ugly animals:


   If this dog were mine… I would cry.  He’s the reason why I’d never breed my own dog.  He looks like he bathed in a vat of acid, wears a toupee, chews rocks, and then blinded himself somehow… maybe during the acid-vat dip.


  This donkey(?) looks like it lit itself on fire, stuck googly-eyes over its regular eyes, was hit in the mouth with a shovel, then forgot how to chew.  He is an ugly.


   At first, I thought this beast was a cat, but then I realized the photo was entitled “dog.”  It then hit me that it was just a ugly, drunk, mohawked, rockstar of a dog.

    I have no idea if this gecko is horrifically ugly or cute.  I’d say ugly because its disgusting qualities far outweigh its cute qualities.  Everything except the head it horrible.  The rule of thumb is that if you refuse to pick up the animal for fear of contracting a disease that will either instantly kill you or burn your hands off, then the animal is an ugly.


      I hate cats.  This photo doesn’t quite make the case pro-cat people.  Sadly, I just made the mistake of staring into its eyes.  Now I am colorblind.  Thanks kitty.


   The Red-Lipped Batfish.  It looks like a pancake and a stick of lipstick had an illegitimate angry, hermaphrodite baby.
 
   A Sea-Pig.  Normal pigs are generally ugly anyway, and since they are on land, we have to see them all he time.  I can only be thankful that this beast, possibly the most hideous thing ever created, is stuck underwater, where it will hopefully become extinct tomorrow.


   I don’t know what this fish is. It’s pretty obvious, though, that it’s what happens what you breed Nightcrawler from the X-Men with an obese goldfish, then inject it with a bucket of steroids. 

 
   AND, because it can’t be proper to end a post with a picture of a nightmarish, vomit-inducing creature, here is a little lavender, fairy-looking, smiling, frog-fish.  

  Animal says “EAT ME!”